Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

Another unexceptional Christmas has passed. I know there was a time when the holiday meant something to me but I can scarcely remember it. It's not that this year's celebration was any more meaningless than last year's, it's that I'm more conscious of it's meaninglessness, I suppose. I know I used to be a Christian but I don't remember when I changed my beliefs. I just stopped thinking about it, really. It's not really that I "know better" now, because I really hate the idea that if you believe in something you must be gullible or ignorant. I think I gave up on Christianity because it's too much work to reconcile those beliefs with everything else that I know and believe. Not that it would be impossible to, but because it's easier to just not think about it. And now I can't believe in Christianity even if I wanted to and I'm not really sure why. I don't feel anything anymore. I can't make myself believe something that just isn't there for me. It was easier when I didn't think about this at all but now it scares me to not believe in anything at all.
I really wish religion wasn't such a public issue. Beliefs are something personal and it's so disgusting the way religion has been drawn into politics so tightly. I hate the way Christianity has been made into something so huge and gaudy and oppressive. I think I blame contemporary Christianity for a large part of my current spiritual dilemma. The worst part of it is that when George was at CHUM it used to be a refuge from that type of Christianity. Now "not your ordinary church" is almost a joke. I can't even stand to sit through a service with the new clergy. The Christmas eve service was painful.
Present-wise I did pretty well, though.

I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger and it is incredible. The story is captivating; I could barely put it down last night. The writing is beautiful.

I feel like seeing a movie or something. I've been laying around and reading all day and now I'm restless. I need to get out of the house. I almost went shopping with my mom but I'm not really in a shopping mood. Especially not with my mom. Ha.
I should probably eat something as I haven't yet since yesterday, but I really have no appetite. But I'm hungry, if that makes sense.

(no subject)

My mom just came to me and said, "Dad and I are going to have the cat put to sleep. Are you okay with that?"


What did she think I was going to say?