Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

[monaubergine]

Another unexceptional Christmas has passed. I know there was a time when the holiday meant something to me but I can scarcely remember it. It's not that this year's celebration was any more meaningless than last year's, it's that I'm more conscious of it's meaninglessness, I suppose. I know I used to be a Christian but I don't remember when I changed my beliefs. I just stopped thinking about it, really. It's not really that I "know better" now, because I really hate the idea that if you believe in something you must be gullible or ignorant. I think I gave up on Christianity because it's too much work to reconcile those beliefs with everything else that I know and believe. Not that it would be impossible to, but because it's easier to just not think about it. And now I can't believe in Christianity even if I wanted to and I'm not really sure why. I don't feel anything anymore. I can't make myself believe something that just isn't there for me. It was easier when I didn't think about this at all but now it scares me to not believe in anything at all.
I really wish religion wasn't such a public issue. Beliefs are something personal and it's so disgusting the way religion has been drawn into politics so tightly. I hate the way Christianity has been made into something so huge and gaudy and oppressive. I think I blame contemporary Christianity for a large part of my current spiritual dilemma. The worst part of it is that when George was at CHUM it used to be a refuge from that type of Christianity. Now "not your ordinary church" is almost a joke. I can't even stand to sit through a service with the new clergy. The Christmas eve service was painful.
Present-wise I did pretty well, though.

I just finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger and it is incredible. The story is captivating; I could barely put it down last night. The writing is beautiful.

I feel like seeing a movie or something. I've been laying around and reading all day and now I'm restless. I need to get out of the house. I almost went shopping with my mom but I'm not really in a shopping mood. Especially not with my mom. Ha.
I should probably eat something as I haven't yet since yesterday, but I really have no appetite. But I'm hungry, if that makes sense.

Comments

[screwyk.livejournal.com]

Man, I know how you feel! There's something about organized religion that just makes me twitch. The whole process and show of going to church seems kind of pointless when you don't agree with half of what they're saying.

I'm all for worshipping or whatever on your own in your own way because I'm not a part of the "wonderful community of Jesus Christ." I'm totally not one with them.

Christmas stopped being about religion quite awhile ago for me, I think. I try and base it around family now, and I'm okay with that.

Anyway, speaking of getting out of the house, we need to figure out what we're doing for New Year's Eve and if we're doing anything else. I haven't talked to you at all over Winter Break!

And it sucks about your cat. That seems like a kind of harsh way to put it to you. Do they have a reason to put her down?

[monaubergine.livejournal.com]

It's because she pees all over the house and it had been getting increasingly worse. She doesn't have anything physically wrong with her, though.

And yeah, we need to make some sort of plan. Maybe I'll call you after I eat something.